16:42 Sunday 18 November 2018 JST
I was the only other man to show up for D’s men’s circle tonight. We walked to a park near his house which has a wooded area.
Away from the busy-ness of the park, we settled in for a meditation and then got into my work. Wondering how to balance my projects, where to focus my energy, how to do the right thing?
The feelings of fear and sadness took me back to a time with my dad. He told me we would make a cool project together, basically a bigger better pinball machine with sounds and lights and ramps going everywhere. Holy shit that sounds awesome! I looked forward to that project for years until I realized it was never going to happen.
That feeling just sat and festered and rot away my connection to creativity until it is just a smidgen of what it used to be or could have been. Why the fuck did he lie to me?
“why did you lie to me??? You told me not to like, but then you lied! It’s not fair!” crying crying crying in the woods. Gasping gut wrenching sobbing cry with 100 tears for all the years it has been rotting inside me.
Some security guard came up and told us to get out of the woods, but he gave us space when he saw me crying.
Got all the tears out and then turned it into blessings.
I forgive myself for believing my dad could do anything. I forgive myself for not knowing what to do at 7 years old.
I thank spirit for the creative connection which is fully available to me.
I have my dad’s blessing to go forward with my creative endeavors.