01:46 Tuesday 13 March 2018 JST
09:46 Monday 12 March 2018 Portland
Recreational marijuana is legal in Oregon. I took advantage of this fact last night and had a really overall positive experience with several experiencial teachings I gained.
I am still a bit affected as I write this, sitting in the airport in Portland, waiting for my flight back to Narita.
The most interesting aspect about the experience itself was the time stretching. For a few chrono minutes, I experienced one timeline in reverse and another forward. In the reverse timeline, it was like causality was reversed. I got out an umbrella so it started raining. I had created the ampersand symbol so that I could try to &help myself out of this situation now. But that doesn’t make sense because if I did that, then I would have had to create computers, which would mean I had to create electricity, therefore earth, therefore the galaxy, all the way back to creating time.
I That was the bad part of trip; I was experiencing each choice I made as the wrong choice, leading myself to having fallen into this infinitely recursive spiraling infinity of loss, which happened at every moment going forward, during which each moment had me experiencing fear all the way from the beginning of time like watching a car wreck in slow motion after having already lived it. Each time they went all the way back to the beginning of the universe in which I created heaven and hell so that I could have the experience right now of saying “yes, you were right” to the devil, “you (Devil) can do anything you want (including run time two directions at one), and hell is real.”
The backwards timeline was both infinite and infinitesimal, with infinities available at any given point, like focusing in at the numbers in a number line.
0 1 0 0.5 1 0 0.1 0.2 0.3 0.4 0.5 0.6 0.7 0.8 0.9 1 0 0.001 0.002 0.003 0.004 0.005 0.006 0.007 0.008 0.009 1 0 0.000001 0.000002 0.000003 0.000004 0.000005 0.000006 ...
My host became the devil and was smiling at me as he had trapped me. Every decision I made including having come to this place was a trap of his design. I realized if every choice I made was the wrong choice, I might as well do something good for something while I am at it, so I started to pet Radar, my host’s dog who gave me some kisses. I kept petting Radar and the backwards timeline had less sway in my thinking and that began to let me focus on the forward moving “correct” timeline.
In that moment, I recognized that by focusing on fear (and feeling sorry for myself) I went further into the reverse timeline where everything was my fault, all leading to the ultimate stuck alone in hell experience, repeatedly experiencing all-my-choices-are-wrong and I-cannot-make-the-correct-choice.
So with that realization, I got my first experiencial knowing:
1) focusing on loving others brings me out of pain.
My host led me to the guest bedroom by way of the restroom to brush my teeth. I was able to floss, but not brush. I remember asking if I had already brushed as I couldn’t remember if I had. I lay down on the couch bed and started texting Jimmy, replying to his question from a few days ago. The convo below is paraphrased. J is for Jimmy and 私 marks things I wrote:
J: “How was Portland?”
My first reply Mon 10pm:
私: I am high as fuck
私: It’s 22:22 now and I had crazy time dialation like rooms and centuries gone backward
Sorry have a good night
I am super high and time is going both backwards and forwards
With the devil on the forward side offering me good while he offered me bad with each reversing as I paid attention to the other timeline
It’s 22:25 and that took a small lifetime
私: Okay I got up and went to the bathroom. 01:14 now. Then I came back and took shower. I bought the soap from the soap factory I had established in the 1800s to cause world trade center to be destroyed so I could meet the guy behind A&E9/11truth. Then I got busy with the American revolution before the one that started in 1776. And now I am sitting in the bathroom at 01:17
Or something like that kinda time was the delay before, like two or three hours ago.
((( me now at 10:10am: That was what I wrote, trying to capture an idea of the time dialation experience, and I note I was relatively correct when I said it was 2 or 3 hours ago. )))
J: this was your dream? or time warp or whatever?
私: Yes, That was the size of 1⁄10000000 of my dream
私: One time was going backwards and one was going forwards. That was a bad trip for a second, I was stuck in an illogic loop, but then finally was able to think my way out.
((( me now at 10:15am Portland time Tuesday: What is kinda magnifying
the effect is my computer being set to Japan time (still) and my phone
being set to Portland time, and the chats only showing
as I write the in Portland time… and as I try to figure out what to
write I still wrote the wrong geography for a second. )))
((( me now at 10:19am Portland time: at some point while I was texting Jimmy, I had the second big realization+knowing, that feelings are important. )))
feelings are important
Feelings help me distinguish between the right way to move forward and the way I do not wish to move forward. I knew this from before, but this time I (think I) learned it more deeply.
私: And even now while I’m typing, it is it while I’m awake, that time is slowing down But the one isn’t going backwards anyone At the long text I wrote two timestamps:
1:14 and 1;17
I felt it coming on ( Those timestamps, I mean, were accurate at the moment I wrote each one. ) I felt the cold before because I had been outside helping my (ghost) haha I typed host and my phone thought typed ghost
I had be outside helping my host with s can construction project when my high hit
We were calculate the ….. Voice to text now:
私: We were calculating how much to cut a pole on the fence and the gate because he had made a gate width with a fence posts that was a non standard width according to the market
I meant to type though not so Sometimes my phone doesn’t respond to my touch and I think it’s like normal I just has one of them weird now cuz I’m having this experience So the experience is no longer scary but for a minute it was scary
Because I didn’t know how long the Minit was I kept repeating some things that were scary and they were proving the experience was real I remember talking about water on the screen but not oil But I had protected the bad trip on my current host and something like he was in on the bad trip as well Which did the first trip I had just marked up is like my first trip and who cares that it was bad
But then the district because link to it has a like a logical circumstances both of my house were in on it that really freaked me out for a bit Because one time stream was going backwards and prove that this trip number two caused for trip number one to happen
J: yup, youre high
私: And that post number two was therefore in on the same bad trip like he had been planning for it in from reverse and It Forward going through. Time stream Some of the fucked-up text is because of this phone misinterpreting me And it’s too fiddly to use my finger to correct the text
(((( Here is the beginning of the next realization: ))))
私: My phone doesn’t have enough charge to do video
(((( As I was connecting to Jimmy as a source of stability, I saw the phone battery slowly dying. I could not work out how to charge it and was feeling really sad that I would not be able to connect with him for a few infinities that I would experience between when the phone died and my trip waned.
And that brought the next realization: change is good. The fact that my battery is inexorably heading in one direction (losing energy), it proved to me that I was experiencing time in the correct direction, albeit with infinities of interruptions, each infinitely long. ))))
(((( 02:42 Tuesday 13 March 2018 JST ))))
(((( 10:42 Monday 12 March 2018 Portland ))))
In the aiport now, writing this entry for an hour now, I am going to just slap down some of the other learnings, including the one I just mentioned above
Change is good
I choose my focus
My focus chooses my experience
I can make the right choices
I have the power to choose at each and every moment
These realizations kept coming more and more quickly, possibly subjectively quickly, but I think objectively more quickly as well, stacking up on each other like momentum of goodness.
Okay I am going to try to sleep for a bit. Still a bit more than an hour until boarding.
16:04 Tuesday 13 March 2018 JST
Back in Tokyo, headed to men’s group, all the time dialation effects are worn off.